I have finally completed this book. It is very hard to explain how I feel about this book. On one hand, I am in love with how Yanagihara has capture an accurate depiction of how trauma moves throughout the human experience. On the other hand, I am dismayed. Not because of the characters or how the story developed, but because of how much I understand these characters and see myself within them.
I am a daughter, I am a friend, I feel sixteen in a twenty-three year olds body. I feel as if my trauma has shaped me and like I am will never move on, like I am constantly going back to those memories to help me understand others. And vice versa. Like how Harold views Jude, I see Jude in everything. Not quite for the same reasons since I am not a parent, but I see him within myself. I often feel like a pretender or as if I’m not worthy of the blessings I have in my life. Sometimes I feel so detached from my blessings, it’s almost as if they belong to someone else entirely. Yet in those moments I try to thank God. I could never ignore his presence and impact on my life because without the trauma I would never know how healed I am. Without the mistrust and distrust of certain people, I would never be able to be vulnerable with those I do trust. If I never new the fear of being alone, I never would’ve had a reason to be so strong in my faith.
I see myself in the other characters too. I see myself in Willem, who has such a loyal and caring heart that he would take on world for just about everyone. I see myself in Harold, who has a giver’s heart and never know if they are making the right decision. I see myself in JB, who feels like he is always fighting the world to have a place in it. I see myself in Malcolm, Andy, Julia, everyone. It’s hard not to.
For those who say that this book is just trauma porn, it’s understandable. But I think that the trauma serves a purpose, not just existing for the sake of plot. And because of that, I have to disagree. Like I state earlier, Yanagihara does an amazing job at capturing the experience of healing from trauma. For my formal critique, I believe that the message and vision Yanagihara was trying to give was successful. I also believe that it is our responsibilities as the audience to try to find that message within the words, and judge it’s success from that point. Not relying on our own understanding to help us judge what the message is or should be.
